Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
