Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
