I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
