I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
