Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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