Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
