Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
