I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
