So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
