the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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