There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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