my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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