sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Be still, my beating vagina.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
