Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
