I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
