You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
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My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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