they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
