Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
