you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
