Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize
