this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
