I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
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we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
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Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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