I want to have your abortion
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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