Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
two words: eviction party
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
