I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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