chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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