after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
