Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
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i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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