can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
