Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
