I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
