you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
