I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
