She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
