I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Let's get the cat blown out
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
