I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
