Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
