stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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