The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
