I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
