Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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