Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
The struggles of a small town man whore
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
