Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
