If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
