I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Someone came in the potted fern
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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