Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
