I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize