I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
