If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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