i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
