Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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