He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
