I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.