Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she peed on how many people?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.