just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
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Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
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You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.