the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?