Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
