...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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