Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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