I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
