well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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